Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)
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Miller Lite (white can) 6. 2
Bud (white can) 5. 5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5. 2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4. 4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4. 1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2. 8
Coors (gold can) 0. 1
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the
average
suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at
any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your
Mgd
cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in
the
shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker
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The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this
guy`s letter.
Enjoy. . .
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Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the Mgd can color as it
relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller
Beer
take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your
letter
and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below
are
our findings and solution to your roblem. May we add that we have had
similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern
United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to
agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any
temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the Mgd can to
create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing
did
some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You
will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking
havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staff working
in
cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized.
However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even
a
bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market
research,
we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer
drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer
drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is.
Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take
more than 2. 5 Minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in
creating fine, smooth, tents. Like you, we at Miller
Beer
take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your
letter
and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below
are
our findings and solution to your roblem. May we add that we have had
similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern
United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to
agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any
temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the Mgd can to
create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing
did
some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You
will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking
havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staff working
in
cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized.
However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even
a
bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market
research,
we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer
drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer
drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is.
Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take
more than 2. 5 Minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in
creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of
sissy,
slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good to
know
that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However,
may
we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time
frame.
>From your letter, we had our design staff work `round the clock to come
up
with a solution that would help not just Mgd but all our fine Miller
products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your
problem.
We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for
quick
consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We
hope
this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want
to
get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side
near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your
mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to
drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known
as
"shot-gunning". You should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that
there
might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2. 5 Minutes to drink our
beers. Let me assure you that I am having our advertising department
work
on campaign to solve this problem, too.
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